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whew.
Wow, it's been so long since I wrote an... actual journal entry. I'm pretty sure the last one I did was in November 2010 or something like that. It's kind of strange... just like this whole week has been, really. For a recap (both for my own personal reference and for people who are unaware): in February, I was diagnosed with paresthesia in my legs. Last Monday, I started having double vision in my left gaze. On Saturday, I had an MRI that, while disproving the possibility that I may have had a brain tumor, turned up suspicious results.
Today I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I'm starting treatment at the end of the month.
I don't know whether it's because I'm actually strong, or if it still hasn't fully hit me, or if I just let out all the tears I have in my body over the past couple of days, but I'm... feeling okay. Not completely okay, of course, but... I've stopped denying it; I've stopped trying to ask why something like this happened to me. I've more or less accepted it. I'm sure things are going to be a little different as time goes on, especially once I've had more time to think about it and let it sink in, but... yeah. It's a thing I'm going to be living with for the rest of my life. My neurologist (who I guess is going to be my primary doctor from this point on) said it's a very good thing we caught it this early on; she was nothing but helpful when telling my mom and me what's going to happen from here.
Before I got home, my mom stopped by the supermarket to get some groceries; I stayed in the car because, well, I didn't really want to go out. As I watched people pass by on the sidewalk, I thought to myself, "It must be nice to be normal." If I could have slapped myself then, I would have; not just because it's kind of stupid and rude to make a generalization like that since those people could very well have their own problems (but I digress), but because I am normal. Sure, I have this added challenge now, but it's still perfectly possible for me to live an otherwise healthy and successful life. And that is what I fully intend to do.
One compliment I get a lot is that I'm like a ray of sunshine; my positivity and attitude make people feel inspired and happy and whatnot. It took until someone said it to me this morning to really realize what kind of impact saying something like that had on me. The only reason I can be this ray of sunshine is because I have a ball of light to emanate from—that ball being all of you who are here for me. I'm nothing without my friends and family to support me; it's both because of and for you that I am this way. Just knowing that you're all here for me gives me the strength and bravery to be able to say that, yes, I can get through this.
I know I'm probably leaving out a lot of things, and that some things just plain aren't hitting me right now, but that's... everything important right now. Whether we've known each other for a number of years or just a couple of months, thank you all for sticking by me. I love you more than words can adequately express.
Today I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. I'm starting treatment at the end of the month.
I don't know whether it's because I'm actually strong, or if it still hasn't fully hit me, or if I just let out all the tears I have in my body over the past couple of days, but I'm... feeling okay. Not completely okay, of course, but... I've stopped denying it; I've stopped trying to ask why something like this happened to me. I've more or less accepted it. I'm sure things are going to be a little different as time goes on, especially once I've had more time to think about it and let it sink in, but... yeah. It's a thing I'm going to be living with for the rest of my life. My neurologist (who I guess is going to be my primary doctor from this point on) said it's a very good thing we caught it this early on; she was nothing but helpful when telling my mom and me what's going to happen from here.
Before I got home, my mom stopped by the supermarket to get some groceries; I stayed in the car because, well, I didn't really want to go out. As I watched people pass by on the sidewalk, I thought to myself, "It must be nice to be normal." If I could have slapped myself then, I would have; not just because it's kind of stupid and rude to make a generalization like that since those people could very well have their own problems (but I digress), but because I am normal. Sure, I have this added challenge now, but it's still perfectly possible for me to live an otherwise healthy and successful life. And that is what I fully intend to do.
One compliment I get a lot is that I'm like a ray of sunshine; my positivity and attitude make people feel inspired and happy and whatnot. It took until someone said it to me this morning to really realize what kind of impact saying something like that had on me. The only reason I can be this ray of sunshine is because I have a ball of light to emanate from—that ball being all of you who are here for me. I'm nothing without my friends and family to support me; it's both because of and for you that I am this way. Just knowing that you're all here for me gives me the strength and bravery to be able to say that, yes, I can get through this.
I know I'm probably leaving out a lot of things, and that some things just plain aren't hitting me right now, but that's... everything important right now. Whether we've known each other for a number of years or just a couple of months, thank you all for sticking by me. I love you more than words can adequately express.
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♥
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Never, ever beat yourself up for saying "It must be nice to be normal." You know what? It's ok to be bitter sometimes. Keeping a positive outlook is what you do, and power to you - but don't ever, ever get mad at yourself for being sad about it. I've spent nearly half my life saying that to myself - that it must be nice to be normal. It's rarely a good thing - it is hard. But the moments in which I hated myself for thinking it were often the darkest.
It's ok. It's ok to feel bad. It's ok to not always be sunny, too. If one day you just don't feel like being a ball of light, you're not a worse person for it. You need to know that. You need to believe it. I never want to see another person go through what I went through. I spent a long time believing that if I was sad, it was my own fault, and I was just a shitty person who really had it good, and I needed to smile, because I was fine.
Sometimes that thought helps. And sometimes it hurts you. Do what comes naturally to you - but if you need a moment to be sad, or freaked out, or even scared, take that moment. Because it's ok to feel and be those things.
♥
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Thank you, Emily. ♥
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